Inside the DC United boardroom...

Victor MacFarlane: 4-0?!? To Salt Lake?!? This is completely unacceptable. What are we going to do about it?

Will Chang: I already recommended this guy last year...Barry Bonds: Hey guys, I don't have anything else going on. Let me play...

Brian Davis: We can't have that type of controversy around here. No, I have just the guy for the pregame speech...
Mike Krzyzewski: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU LOSERS????!!!!???? SALT LAKE IS HORRIBLE!!!! YOU FOOLS HAVE TO STEP IT UP!!!! WHERE'S MY WOJO????!!!!???? STEVE, GET OVER HERE!!!!Steve Wojciechowski: Coach, I'm ready for this. I've studied all the greats. I know everything about Pele, Maradona, Eusebio, Ronaldo, all of them. We're gonna be great!Christian Laettner: I guess I'm not a part of the club anymore, huh Dukies? Thanks a lot guys...

Coach K: Look Christian, I told you. If you lay off the patchouli, we'll talk.

Kevin Payne: Gentlemen, I hate to break up the family reunion, but we have business to tend to. What are we going to do about this situation? DC United has failed again in CONCACAF, and has now followed that up with a 4 goal loss to Salt Lake. This is absolutely unacceptable.Coach Soehn: Look, all these measures just aren't necessary. I rested some players after the Pachuca game. We're still not playing at our best. We'll be fine. We struggled early last year, and then went on to win the Supporters' Shield. I'm asking you to give us time.

Will Chang: I hope you're right Soehn. However, we have to start taking precautions. I have hired you a new assistant coach to lead our training sessions. He's a former United legend...

Coach Soehn: Not a bad idea Mr. Chang. Is it Etch? Harkes? Eddie Pope?

Will Chang: Nope. Coach, please come on in. Hristo Stoichkov: Gentlemen, I can promise you that a change is coming. I think I'll be joining in the training session today. Do you remember what I did to that college kid? That's nothing compared to what's going to happen here. So Coach, who needs to be punished after that last game?