Inside the DC United locker room...

Coach Soehn: Where is the team that won the Supporters' Shield last year? Where is the team that routed Olimpia a few months ago? Where is the team that played Chivas?
Ben Olsen: Yeah, Jaime and Christian, what's going on with you guys? Why won't you guys shoot the ball anymore?
Jaime Moreno: I've been busy frosting my hair, isn't it nice?
Luciano Emilio: IT'S IN THE NET! Or, at least when I get the ball, it is.
Fred: Perhaps my Performance Enhancing Underwear can be of service to a few of you...Christian Laettner: I have a few ideas. First, we need to...Will Chang: Christian, we've been over this many times. You sit in that corner and you keep your mouth shut. And please, you've got to stop with the patchouli.

Gentlemen, this type of start to the season is completely unacceptable. DC United does not start 0-3, we will not stand for it. Here's the deal. We're on national television this Thursday night against New England. If we perform like we have, here is what our fans across the country will hear.
Eric Wynalda: Taylor Twellman is the greatest! That a boy, Taylor! He's the greatest forward in the history of MLS! He should be starting for the national team! He's dreamy! I love him! Will Chang: Okay Eric, that's enough. Keep your pants on. Here's that six pack I promised you.

Losing this week will not be tolerated. In fact, there will be changes made around here if we don't get points out of Thursday's match. If we lose, we're putting this guy on the roster.
Barry Bonds: Hey guys! Just bounce the ball off my enormous head, and we'll be okay! Also, where's the trainer? I'm all out of my cream and clear.