March 22, 2007

2007 Pre-Season MLS All-Hair Team

GK: Kevin Hartman (KC)
The dearth of quality goalkeeper hairstyles forces us to go with Slim Shady's friend here. We'll see how his style translates to the midwest and Kansas City. I almost fear he'll go with a crew cut or something.

D: Stephen Keel (COL)
I didn't know this guy before I saw him in the Rapids match with Valencia the other day. Wow, Ronald McDonald is looking forward to swapping hair maintenance tips with Stephen. Keel took the Rapids reserves to the title last season, we'll see if he gets into the first team on a regular basis in '07.

D: Adrian Serioux (DAL)
The first of a few sets of dreads on the squad. Serioux's dread seem a lot thicker than the others though. Knowing his style of play, his use of his hair as a weapon doesn't seem out of the picture either.

D: Nick Garcia (KC)
"Patty Duke" is one of the descriptions I've seen of Nick's hair. I'm glad, because words were failing me here. Just look at the picture to the left, and admire.

M: Danny Szetela (CMB)
It's nice to see Szetela playing well with the U20 squad this offseason. He's rocking quite the mane these days, the photo doesn't truly do him justice.

M: Kyle Beckerman (COL)
The picture's great, but it's not exactly what his hair looks like these days. I think he's rocking some sort of dreads, but he might just be a dirty hippie, I'm not sure. I will let the All-American XI describe it best: "Maybe it’s just us, but we’re eagerly awaiting the game when the small woodland animal that we all know lives in Beckerman’s hair jumps out and mauls Fernando Clavijo."
M: Cobi Jones (LA, captain)
Cobi captain's this squad due to the longevity of his insane hair. Cobi might be best known for his hair, which is a shame due to his contributions on the field. He also gets bonus points here for sporting the sweet Delicious Vinyl shirt, Tone Loc would be so proud.

M: Mehdi Ballouchy (RSL)
I didn't know they allowed hair like this in the state of Utah. RSL might have had to get some special exemption for it. Or, maybe it explains the government issues with the RSL stadium? "We just can't have this soccer and its players with crazy hair poisoning the minds of our young Utah children."

F: Kiki Willis (DCU)
You don't know him yet, but he deserves his place here. Highlighted dreads always get you a spot in this team. Even El Presidente Goff agrees, "the best hair on the team belongs to newly signed Kiki Willis, whose highlighted dreadlocks prompted me to put on my sunglasses. From a distance, he could be mistaken for Cobi Jones." Nothing like emulating your captain...

F: Jeff Cunningham (RSL)
Jeff has went through a few styles during his MLS run. His newly grown Fro gets him in this team. Actually, that might not be his true style choice, but his Salt Lake surroundings force him into it. Check this out from an online chat:
Matt (Salt Lake City): Hey Jeff, how do you decide whether to wear you hair in braids or to fro it out?
Jeff Cunningham: (2:10 PM ET ) To tell the truth, there's not many people that can braid hair around here. Sometimes I have no choice but to leave it out.
The Gals hired an official artist, can we get an official hairstylist for RSL?

F: Calen Carr (CHI)
Poor Calen, the common description of his hair is "womanly". I don't know about that, but I do wonder if the lack of a streamlined, aerodynamic look hampers his blazing speed. Can you imagine how fast he'd be with a haircut?

Dwayne De Rosario (HOU): more dreads
Joseph Ngwenya (CMB): also with the dreads
Ben Olsen (DCU): gets a mention purely because of the lumberjack beard
Wade Barrett (HOU): I miss the crazy chops
Shalrie Joseph (NE): the pigtails were a nice look
Clyde Simms (DCU): he's on Cunningham's heels in the Fro Derby


joemybro said...

No mention of Jaime's frosted look? And if there's a hair Hall of Fame, I'm assuming Valderama will be inducted in the first class. If he has his coaching license, he should be the gaffer for this squad.

Anonymous said...

Chris Albright was robbed! ROBBED, I tell you!